We all live with some form of pain from time to time, be it physical or emotional (and I imagine there is an incredible range of all types of pain, but for me, they all come back to these two: physical or emotional).
For most of my life, I’ve been free of physical pain. Sure, I’ve had bouts of this and that like everyone. Such as? Such as: cramps so severe that I needed to be brought to the university infirmary on a stretcher. There were also occasional ear pokes due to an inherited condition which called for several ear surgeries (in order to be able to hear), but overall, I’ve lived a pain free life.
Until this past February.
On one of the most fun days I’ve had in the past several years (while sliding down a small mountain of white), I dodged a person standing atop a narrow entrance way, landing on my right shoulder with all my weight and with all the force of a quick turn.
“That wasn’t a bad fall,” he said, after a quick apology.
Me?
I stayed quiet and smiled a weak smile. Though I landed on a pile of deep snow, I could tell something was amiss. Body part by body part, I surveyed the situation. Toes? Can wiggle. Legs? Intact. (My skis were still on, as well.) Head and neck? All good. Right shoulder? Voila! I found the source of pain that was starting to creep into my arm and digits.
I smiled.
I can still ski !!!
Gingerly, and rather awkwardly, I pulled myself back up. All alone atop the ski run (the day dreamer had left), I once again scanned my body.
I think I can do this.
So down the mountain I happily skied, while staying upright.
I delighted in 22 more ski runs that day.
Oh, how I love to ski and too many years had passed since I’d been at a ski resort.
This one in North Carolina was completely new to me, a small mountain in the southeast, nothing grand compared to what I’d experienced previously in the Rockies—but a mountain with snow, nonetheless.
I was in heaven.
Until the time arrived to walk to my van while carrying my skis and boots. Once back at my temporary home, I tried to rest and eventually sleep. Thank goodness for a pharmaceutical I had with me!
Fast forward to four months later. I’ve seen a doctor several times, am having physical therapy and continue to do her recommended stretches—as well as going swimming with Honu and tropical fish, albeit in an “old woman” kind of way, doing the breaststroke rather than my beloved crawl. Still, I smile and celebrate having a body.
So . . . will this labral tear turned into a frozen shoulder ever heal? Will I be able to swim freestyle again? Live without physical pain?
I have no idea. I’m told I will, but I really don’t know. I’ll just keep taking it moment-by-moment, trusting. Something good is always hiding in every experience.
Like what, Sj?
Like lots of things. I’ll make a list:
1. Because of this injury I’ve been able to continue my French language learning (a great go-to when I realized I couldn’t work on my second book while being in such pain. Language learning has been a solace my entire life.)
2. I finally found a great program for learning French that addresses the nuances of SPOKEN French. Ch’ui très contente !!! Not, je suis très contente like I was always taught. That’s just for written French or for when reading out loud. The French really say: ch’ui, sounds like chwee to us. And yes, I’m very happy (about finding this platform).
3. I met a most wonderful young woman who lives on the other side of the states, on another island where they speak French. We’ve spent about 3-hours per week (these past 3-months) conversing in French and/or English, albeit mostly in French. There’s an easy and organic flow as we switch back and forth between languages. We’re also finding that we can assist one another in even more life changing ways (in addition to the simple language learning). It’s been one of the best things I’ve experienced in my long life. Mahalo Ke Akua.
So, how can I not celebrate that “accident” on the mountain? How can I not recognize, once again, how all of life is only ever happening for me?
“Born alone, we die alone. And alone, we shall find peace.”
sj hylton lehoven — this 6th of june 2023
Thank you for reading my blog post. It’s been ages since I’ve felt the nudge to write publicly. The COVID-19 pandemic awoke my not so secret hermit self. I do continue to travel—I spent 3-months in Europe last Fall—but I haven’t felt the urge to post photos. However, having just said that, I do think I will share some graffiti pictures I took while in Paris. I had so much fun snapping shot after shot of compelling street art. And if I do this, I believe it would be best to do before heading south for a month—to an entirely new part of the world (for me).
Time will tell.
In the meantime, I wish you all well as you experience your own type of pain. May gifts hide in plain sight.
How can we just BE in this moment when there’s so much to do!
Projects.
People to see.
Bills to pay.
Life to live.
Earlier today I saw this word online: Focus.
A popular online personality said that she is going to make it her main word for the year –FOCUS. As in focus and get things done.
Okay, I thought, Yes, I do seem to get a lot done when I focus. It is definitely how I’ve been conditioned to BE in this world in order to be a productive, contributing member of society.
And yet . . .
There’s soooo much beauty. Soooo much peace when I’m BEing in the now. Savoring each breath. Noticing what’s going on around me. Within me.
And then I thought of TRUST. What it means to trust.
Okay, if I’m telling myself I need to focus. Put myself on some kind of a schedule. THEN I’m telling myself that I HAVE TO be that way in order to be productive. In order to accomplish whatever. Be a good citizen. Contribute to society at large.
And if I don’t, well, I’ll be a failure. Tossed about at the whim of whatever pulls my attention this way or that.
*****
And that brought me to some day in time when an image of a boat being tossed about at sea was the topic du jour. The warning of what can happen when one lives a life unplanned. Unfocused.
*****
And yet . . . when I reflect on my life, I recognize how unconventionally I’ve been living. How I have been letting myself be pulled this way and that by whatever is grabbing my attention in the moment. And still . . . in the midst of it all, I have been productive. Have accomplished things that could be considered successful to the outside world.
All while letting go and allowing the current to take me where it will.
*****
Okay, Sj, what are you trying to say?
Well, I think I’m trying to say that it’s possible to do both. To BE in the now and also focus on whatever interests us in the moment.
Because I’m realizing that beingfocused is as much a part of my nature as is daydreaming.
When I read a good book, I get lost in it. That’s focusing.
When I’m writing whatever, I get lost in it. That’s also focusing.
And when I used to compete in sports, I’d get lost in the moment. Thinking of nothing else except what I was doing. Another form of focusing.
And ALL part of my nature. Who I am.
So . . . on this Saturday morning when I thought I’d be out the door by now, I’ve been pulled to sit and write. To think and reflect.
Was it wrong? Should I have been doing something else?
No.
Because I’ve come to trust this guidance so well.
To trust my soul’s promptings.
It’s gotten me to where I am now. And this now is really, really good. ;-)
xoxox Sj xoxox
P.S. I made an Sj from the Heart video a few weeks back called “Being in the Now.”I had it scheduled to post on YouTube sometime in March (another video was going to be posted today), but . . . in the way that life just keeps unfolding and continually showing me that I’m not in charge, I changed which video would post today to the one you see below (to match this blog post). And there you go. Life is always, always changing, and we’re always, always being guided. ;-)
P.P.S. The image above is of a shower curtain, lol, being tossed about at sea. It is available for purchase if you like it. No, I don’t make any profit off of that, lol. Just find it funny that the image I found that I like is for a shower curtain. Also saw that it comes as a mouse pad and rug. Again, lol.
several people have suggested that I write a mystery. My mom in particular.
“Why don’t you write something with people in it? Why does everything you do have to be so weird?”
LOL
‘Cause I am weird, Mom. Happily weird.
Mysteries as a genre have never really interested me.
I’ve tried. I remember reading an Agatha Christie long ago. As well as a few others I don’t recall. But they just didn’t excite me. Draw me in. I like to be TRANSPORTED when I read. Stretch my mind and FEEL.
That must be why I love magical realism, fantasy, and children’s books. The author Jamaica Kincaid comes to mind. And her collection of short stories: “At the Bottom of the River.” Beautiful. Lyrical. Transportive.
I gave a book to my mom sometime last year that the Kaua‘i Chicklit bookclub read; it was heaped in magical realism.
“That is definitely not my choice of reading material. I hope you read other books more logical. Try some of Shakespeare’s works.”
Yes, we all have different tastes, and I think she was truly trying to be helpful. But . . . as I’ve learned what is best for me to do, I politely ignored her.
Her suggestion was made months and months ago, but it obviously still hasn’t left her because just last week out-of-the-blue she said:
“I don’t know what to do with that weird book you gave me, that bookclub one. I guess I’ll just give it back to you.”
* * * * *
My mother is one of my greatest teachers.
No, she doesn’t give me hugs or tell me that things will be alright.
She neither praises nor encourages me.
Her lack of support IS her support. The teacher I’ve had all my life. And this teacher has shown me time and time again that whatever I need is either already within me
Or in some seemingly random situation that will steer me in the “right” direction.
I put right in quotes because I’ve come to realize that there really is no right or wrong. But rather whatever is best in any particularmoment.
For we are always being guided.
Always being steered down the best path (for each one of us).
Even when it doesn’t feel like it.
* * * * *
So as I sit here with a blank piece of paper and think about who the characters will be in my next book, I LOVE the mystery of not knowing.
The mystery of DISCOVERY.
TRUSTING that it will unfold . . .
IS unfolding in the most perfect and WEIRD manner that is my way.
It was August 2017, and I had come to the mainland (from Kaua‘i) to write.
What was I going to write?
I had NO idea.
But I just knew that I had to write. I knew that it was time to rid myself of distractions. And make a commitment (to myself) to show up each and every day. Something was brewing within me, and I could feel that it needed to be shared with the world.
Yes, the world!
In time, I began to realize that it was simply a message of love. That you’re loved and perfect as you are.
Written by Tracey, my beautiful friend on my right.
You can imagine how thrilled I was to receive this text and discover how deeply my expression of love (which revealed itself as my first book My Life as a Mule) touched my friend’s heart.
It still thrills me to the core of my being to know that something I wrote, OR more correctly, something that was written through me, brought joy to someone. A smile to their face.
Okay, Sj, that’s nice for you (you’re thinking), but what’s that got to do with ME?
I felt led to remind you that the world needs YOUR love as well! Yes, the WORLD!
No one but YOU can express the love that you are in the way that you do.
So, please, let your light shine! Show the world how very, very beautiful you are. We need you. Exactly as you ARE.
xoxoxoxoxoxo
✫ Sj ✫
And my beautiful friend on my LEFT is the illustrator of my book, Jocelyne Shiner!!!!!!