Category Archives: Sj’s Musings

My last full day at FLO . . .

On Wednesday, August 25, 2010 I posted the following (and more, this is an excerpt) on my glob: susansbackwardsglob.com:

What I came here to do . . .
written 8/24/2010
I came here
to be
to live
to learn
to grow
to expand
to have fun
to laugh
to play
to rest
to love.
And more and more I wrote.
So, before I left for this 5-month trip to SE Asia, I meditated and asked, “Where? How long? What do do?” And I listened. Yes, I listened to my Divine Soul, or my gut, or my intuition; plug in any word that feels best to you. And slowly, it came to me. The school. Some travel time and time to rest. Two months to volunteer somewhere. And the final month to travel, rest, and reflect on all that I knew would surely happen.
Okay, I had the basic framework, the outline, if you will. I trusted that the particulars would arise in their own time. And they did.
The very first day at school in Bangkok, a new friend told me of FLO (Future Light Orphanage) a little outside of Phnom Penh.
Another friend of a friend told me to be careful; do my research, that a lot of orphanages in Cambodia are a scam; are fake; they bring in kids for the hour or two when sympathetic westerners come to look and most surely give donations. After, the kids go home, and the crooked people pocket the money intended to help the unfortunate.
“Okay, be careful, Susan Jane,” I thought, “Be sure it’s a legitimate organization.”
And, I realized that it was best to stay at one place for the entire 2-month period. It’s better for the kids, the organization, everyone. So in the midst of the intensive program to earn my CELTA certificate, I glanced once again at FLO’s website; it seemed legit. Okay, it really was just a glance; I was busy and preoccupied. I was mostly trusting that it came from a real recommendation from someone whose son had volunteered and BEEN there. I contacted the school; we had a dialogue back and forth; I told them I didn’t have a police record to send but that I could ask friends to be references. They willingly obliged; nothing more came of it. : ) (I suppose just that you say that you have references was the point . . . ) I set the dates; we made an agreement. Okay, 8-weeks volunteer teaching at FLO . . . focusing on speaking and writing . . .
And that was that. I put it out of my mind, went back to focusing on CELTA, made it through those laborious 4-weeks, passed, and sigh, took a rest, and when the moment was right, looked at the FLO site again. This time I really looked at it; I went through page after page. That’s when I discovered the Hawaii connection.
“Of course,” I thought, “Of course.”
I really wasn’t surprised. Hadn’t I asked my Divine Soul (gut, intuition, higher self, God to those who feel more comfortable with the norm . . . ) to guide me? Hadn’t I listened to what felt right?
Yes, I had. So of course there’d be a connection to Hawaii at FLO.
That first night when I arrived, I was nervous. “Why am I so nervous?” I wondered to myself. But I was; I was nervous.
So to arrive and see *HVB’s placard with Kamehameha in the silk shop (where I first stayed), made me smile.
And then, to enter the canteen where I was dining alone and see an ALOHA sign, made me smile again.
Relax Susan Jane! Don’t you know that you’re well loved! Don’t you know that all is WELL.
“Yes,” I thought to myself, “I do know. Thank you.”
And as you know, the next 8-weeks were magical. The students at FLO are such smart, funny, lively, wonderful people.
So, here it was Friday the 16th of September, my last day at FLO, and what should happen? I was invited to join FLO students who don’t have **family as they traveled to the neighborhood pagoda (temple/wat) because of this very special 15-day holiday to honor ancestors.
I was absolutely surrounded by love. Yes, surrounded. In the form of precious, wonderful, charming, and caring human beings. One little boy took my hand for the start of the walk. Another appeared for the next part. And another and another. And then, the first one came back again to be with me as we approached the pagoda.
Then, one-by-one two older students (a boy and a girl from my two classes) appeared to thoughtfully guide me through the ceremony, “Auntie, like this . . . Auntie, now come here. . .” And it was done with such love, such concern that I be included, that I understand what was going on. That I really participate in a ceremony that was so very important and sacred to them. And then, it was time to sit and be quiet, and yes, I meditated.
And it came to me, “Of course, of course my last day at FLO would be so very, very perfect, so very, very sacred. Of course. My Divine Soul who knows all, loves all, and only wishes good things for me and everyone somehow knew that this was the right day to end my stay at FLO.”
And as I sat with these most wonderful children, I gave thanks. I gave thanks for everything, and I do mean EVERYTHING: my life, all life, my health, my parents, my family, my husband, my friends, these children . . .”
Sigh.
What an absolutely perfect and wonderful way to end my 8-week stay at FLO. And it came to me, ask them to write their name in your analog iPhone (in both Khmer /kə maɪ/ and anglais). So I did. So when I see you next, ask me to show you my book. Ask me to show you their wonderful names and how they write. I’ll gladly share their gift to me with you. There’s plenty to go around for all.
Here’s another excerpt from that same entry to my glob susansbackwardsglob mentioned above:
And I thought of the people in my life who live in Light,
and I thought of the people I don’t yet know who received my text message back in April.
and I thought of how I’m going to meet them and others as one thing leads to another,
one heart leads to another.
Doors will be opened.
Introductions will be made.
And I will find my way around this planet
on the voyage
which will open up
to me.
Yes, of course it would all work out perfectly. Of course there would be bookends to mark this experience and that. Life is like that; it unfolds with the most amazing symmetry.
“What a coincidence,” we say to one another when some chance this or that happens. “What a coincidence that . . .” plug in the blank of your choice. A chance event? Or the beautiful orchestration of your soul and mine as they converse with one another in a plane that our human mind doesn’t see nor understand. Call it God’s hand, call it divine guidance, call it blind luck, call it what you will. Regardless of what you call it, I can guarantee that each and every one of you have had at least one something happen that you’re thinking of now. Admit it. You are! You’re human, and you’re having a human experience, so of course you have!!! It’s so very, very natural and common.
Alright, so there I was sitting on the floor of the pagoda surrounded by these most wonderful human beings.
“Stay and have lunch with us, Auntie!”
Of course I did.
It was soooo delicious.
“Who made this?” I asked.
“Many people, many, many people,” they replied.
“What did I eat?” you ask.
“***Fish. Curry with vegetables. Rice. Lots of rice. Noodles. Two different kinds of noodles. And bananas. Crisp, fresh bananas.”
Yes, I was stuffed. And they kept eating!!!!
“We eat a lot,” they giggled, as they continued to eat and eat.
“Are these children heavy?” you ask.
“No, they’re not.”
You’ve seen the pictures. They eat really healthily, hardly any processed foods. (The processed foods that they do have are candies or cakes that they buy with money given to them by their eFoster parents.)
“It’s time to clean up, Auntie. You sit; we clean up.”
“I can help,” I said. And I did. A little. Nothing in comparison to what they did.
“Are you ready to go outside, Auntie?”
“Are you?”
“Yes,” they replied.
“Kay, den, let’s go!”
And then they showed me some other things on the grounds of the wat  (pagoda, they said). We burned some more incense. We prayed, and then we just had good ‘ole plain fun looking at the beautiful murals inside another building. Then . . .
“Take photos of us, Auntie!”
I took photos.
“Now with YOU!!!!”
And more pictures were taken . . .
When it was time to walk back to FLO, that same little boy, who had first grabbed my hand when leaving FLO, magically appeared (he was in one of my Gogo Loves English 1 classes).
I smiled as I took his hand.

He still holds a very special place in my heart . . .

So . . . now for the photos of this most wonderful closing to a most amazing 8-weeks . . .
I love you ALL and hold you too in my ****heart.
-sj
*Hawaii Visitor’s Bureau
**Some of them do have family; they’re at FLO because they’re family is very poor and can’t provide them with an education.
***My beautiful young lady friend pulled out prime pieces of fish for me and dropped them in my bowl. : )
****My heart is very, very BIG.

Rudy is remembered . . .

 

Dedicated to Rudy Williams.
Fido and Rudy were best friends. This is Fido’s first Thanksgiving, 1995.

Blessings

Blessings can come from the most unexpected places. A smile from a stranger. A friend’s warm caress. A plumber who’s free right when you need him. Blessings. They make up so much of our day, if we just take the time to notice.

Two months ago, I received one of the most extraordinary blessings ever. My husband and I had just arrived in Idaho, where we were going to spend several weeks honoring our 25th wedding anniversary. “Boise,” I thought to myself as I rode the short escalator to the lower level, “Never thought I’d be going to Boise.” He went to the right to the rental car counters, and I to the left to baggage claim. In only a few minutes, I had our bags and was completely alone in this quiet little airport. In the waiting area was a wall of photos, a display of the most important people in Idaho’s history of aviation. After reading about some fascinating women, (yes, I chose to just read about the women : ), I glanced to my right and noticed the most classily dressed business woman I’d ever seen. Black jacket, slacks, briefcase. She had the crispness of a well-put-together-woman, without any air of pretension. Doing a double-take, I realized I knew her; it was Liz, one of my absolutely best friends from college. (And now, as I think about it, I realize probably my best friend from college. She’s who I think of first when I think of those days, *first after my older sister, who resides in that special place in my heart reserved for blood sisters—I have two.)

“L i z. Liz is here in Boise. In baggage claim. Liz!”

“Susan!,” she called out, “It is you! What are you doing here in Boise?”

“I think I’m here to see you,” I replied.

She gave me that “get real” look and asked again, “What are you doing here? Well, I can see that you’re going skiing by your luggage,” she replied in answer to her own question. “But what are you doing here? And where’s Tony? Is he here with you?”

“Yes,” I nodded in reply, “He’s getting our rental car.”

And with that we hugged, and hugged, and hugged.

“Oh, now I know why I just had to bring Dad’s quilt!,” I said as I pulled it out of my backpack.

Less than one year after my Dad died (and at Thanksgiving), my oldest sister presented me and my two other siblings each with a one-of-a-kind quilt made from Dad’s favorite shirts. Yes, I cried too when I first saw it and felt it against my skin. Liz had known and loved my Dad. Being from out of town, she would join our family for Easter practically every year while she was in college. She too remembers Dad’s bear hugs and laugh-out-loud enthusiasm for life. She too would appreciate this quilt.

Liz. I ran into Liz in Boise, Idaho. At baggage claim. I’d just received an email from her earlier that day. She hadn’t mentioned where she was. The last time I’d seen her in the flesh was approximately 11-years prior. And here she was in Boise, on business, on a short day trip, and leaving in two hours. My husband and I were there to honor our 25th anniversary and draw this chapter of our life to a close. Why to a close? Because we are taking a break from our “work” life and beginning our personal journeys into our heart-selves. Journeys to explore the deepest parts of ourselves. Journeys to parts unknown.

The next week as I was skiing in beautiful Sun Valley, I remembered something important. Something that added even more meaning to running into Liz the week before.

Twenty-five years ago, newly married and excited to start our life together in Hawaii, my husband and I traveled across the country in our 1971 VW bus. And when we landed in California, we stayed with Liz. She had recently moved to Long Beach to begin her life after college; she had just started dating a former high school friend who would eventually become her husband. It was Liz who picked us up that auspicious day as we were walking down a desolate road at Matson’s vast shipyard; we had just left all our possessions behind to be shipped to O‘ahu. We were moving to Honolulu to begin our video production company and business life together.

Liz.

And here we are, starting another phase of our life. And Liz magically appears.

I called her an angel that day at the Boise airport, and she laughed.

And now, as I begin my journey with a first-stop in Bangkok, I realize that she indeed is an angel. And that her unexpected appearance that day was the perfect Blessing on which to launch our solo-yet-not journeys.

Please join me on this adventure. My glob will be exactly that, a glob of this-and-that. I too will be observing how it unfolds. I too will be expecting blessing after blessing, as I give thanks for one after another, and for all of Y O U wonderful beings who are joining me on this ride. May the Light of God guide each one of us on our solo-yet-not journey.

: )

*Yes, lots of firsts. It’s actually possible to have several firsts that happen at the same time. Fun to think about, isn’t it?

Miloli‘i

by Tony LeHoven

Miloli‘i

The moment I set my foot down on the sand,

the shock of the feeling startled me.
Home.
I was home.
For a moment, the disorientation
was palpable.
Home?
But in less time than it took to reach down
and slide the kayak up onto the beach,
it passed.
Not the feeling,
but the surprise.
Yes, the feeling
had entered my body
so completely,
so thoroughly,
that it was simply a fact.
A knowledge that had always
resided in my gut.
Unbeknownst to me.
Home.
As the next days passed,
the peace,
calm,
and
surrounding stature of the
mountains,
large black boulders
on the shore,
monk seals rolling
in the sand,
continued to permeate my heart,
until the feeling,
the knowledge
had so imbedded itself
that I wasn’t surprised,
when I paddled away,
that I felt sick,
sick to leave the home
of my heart.

Gratitude fills my heart : )

Hi my VERY dear friend and sister of my heart,

Now sitting in the Detroit airport in an Irish tavern after missing my flight to Knoxville by four minutes due to a late arrival because of equipment malfunction in Honolulu, I give thanks.
Why?
For the nice lady with Delta who told me that the IT served bfast for another seven minutes. And then showed me were it was so that I arrived in time.
For the vouchers which paid for it.
For the wonderful wait staff with their beautiful cheerful smiles who entertained this non-TV watcher with a live true sit-com, complete with their crisp Michigan accents.
For my Bust magazine which looks for movies with dialogues between two women NOT about men!
For my iPhone which allowed me to read T’s email to you and your thoughtful reply.
And for the peace-of-mind that gave me. The feeling of being cared for. Protected. Loved.
For YOU. A most wonderful and caring and wise and LOVING friend. I give thanks.
For the learning and unpeeling which continues in its most perfect timing.
For the extra 4.5 hours at the airport. For the time it gave me to be alone before meeting up with my Mom.
For my Mom. Who is so excited about my arrival.
For my Mom. Who is simply who she is. Who loves me in her unique way. For the relationship we have which is so different from that of my sisters.
For the wonderful sleep I had on the 8-plus hour flight from Honolulu.
For Michael Stillwater’s wonderful music and my iPod shuffle which allowed me to listen to it so easily and peacefully in my private two seater due to the flight’s low occupancy.
For the nice young man I talked to before I made the switch to my solo seats. May Peace be with him always.
For the confidence to reply with the simple word “writer” when he asked what I “do.”
And the subsequent “linguist” which completed my answer more fully.
And mostly, for the time I’ve had to come back into my heart. The time to reflect and give thanks for ALL of the above. The “all” which barely covers the tip of the iceberg–which IS my vast and limitless heart.
Peace be with you, my dear, dear friend.
May the Light of my infinite love fill you with the warmth of spirit which resides in us all.
Deine Freundin,
Susan
Sent from my iPhone

Jack of Spades playing card

What I came here to do . . .

written 8/24/2010

I came here
to be
to live
to learn
to grow
to expand
to have fun
to laugh
to play
to rest
to love.
Aloha Friend,
I decided it was time to meditate. T returned from a bike ride (which I chose to pass on because I had things I wanted to do here) and his spirit was obviously lifted. I met him on the road with Rocket Girl. She and I had gone for a short walk . . . to have some space after completing what I’d wanted to do.
It was time to rest. T said: I’m going to meditate now. Yes, I thought, now is a good time.
And you know what, as I sat down outside on our Fido bench, almost immediately the fogginess came. It was good. I was calm.
And then those darn mosquitoes got me! (even with my socks on, they went for my arms) lol
So I came inside to the fading light in my room.
And again became calm . . . this time with my eyes closed. My eyes were tired.
And as I pondered things, gave thanks for things . . . thought about the house-of-cards which was my belief system, which had been built on the foundation of my parents’ home . . . . which fell yesterday . . . I could really SEE them falling . . . it felt a bit like an Alice in Wonderland moment . . . and there you were on Skype watching it. And I thought about money, income and how the video business was simply one channel . . . and how I’d always known that . . . I remembered the man with no teeth who gave us food when we were hungry . . . I saw him . . . I felt him . . . I blessed him.
And when I began to think about what I came here to do . . . there was nothing . . . so I rested.
And then the words came pouring.
I came here to be, to live, to learn . . . wait, whoa, I thought. Let me go through you one at a time.
to be . . . yes, simply to be . . . to be still . . . silent and calm
to live . . . yes, to enjoy my body, to run, to bike, to swim, to play soccer . . . to enjoy my body and LIVE!
and then it came
to learn . . . to read, to absorb . . . . to read and read and read
to grow . . . and with that came expansion.
Yes, I came here to expand . . . to expand my consciousness, to expand my awareness, to grow.
And along with this came the thought that I came
to push myself.
To push myself to try new things.
To try scary things and in doing so,
to learn, to grow and to expand.
And then I realized, I also came to rest.
Back to the start really.
to be
to rest
to be
Oh, but before that I knew I also came here to play, to have fun, to laugh.
“You can’t always have fun Susan.”
The words of my mother told to me in my parents’ house.
The place where I built my house-of-cards based on their teachings.
“Life can’t always be fun Susan.”
But why not Mom?
“Because. You have to work hard. You have to earn money. It’s hard work earning money.”
And I realized that yes, I learned from my father to defer to men.
“Now if you ever race a boy, let him win.”
But why Daddy?
“Because . . . because they need to think they’re stronger.”
and I must have added
smarter,
the decision maker,
the “man” of the house.
And I felt that falling away too.
No Daddy, you were wrong.
I don’t want a man who wants me to be weaker.
I want a man who’s my equal.
My partner, but not my boss.
(and now I realize why my hackles would sometimes raise when T told me what to do, it felt like my father telling me what to do . . . )
So, with the play and the laughter, I then felt tired.
So yes, I also came here to rest.
And to be.
I sat with all that for a while and then
I went back over the list:
to be
to live
to learn
to grow
to expand
to have fun
to laugh
to play
to rest.
Is there any one or any ones that rise to the top?
That seem to have more importance?
No . . . I didn’t feel it.
So I went back down the list again.
They all felt equally important at different times.
Is there anything else?
So I sat  . . . and then this came:
to
love.
I also came here to love.
I thought of my husband.
I love him.
I thought of my parents.
I love them.
I thought of a stranger I gave food to once in Waikiki.
I love him.
I thought of a man in Seattle who asked for money as my sister said No, No, NO!
I gave him money.
I felt the love for that man that I felt then.
And I thought of Fido
and of Rocket Girl.
I love them.
And my friends.
I love YOU!
And then I rested.
And then I prayed for guidance.
I imagined how my commitments will be gone by the end of this year.
My work commitments.
The boat.
As next week I paint the bottom of Mapuana,
I can know that she will be safe for a few more years.
Cared for, for a few more years.
And the house.
The things I plan to have done to the house
before I leave.
Things to show her that I love her.
Things to simply take care of her.
Things to honor her.
She was a gift.
She is a gift
to T and me
and Fido
and
Rocket
Girl.
And then I prayed for guidance.
Spirit Guides please guide me.
Help me more clearly hear the voice of YOU,
my Divine Soul.
And I thought of the people in my life who live in Light,
and I thought of the people I don’t yet know who received my text message back in April.
and I thought of how I’m going to meet them and others as one thing leads to another,
one heart leads to another.
Doors will be opened.
Introductions will be made.
And I will find my way around this planet
on the voyage
which will open up
to me.
I could see myself in who-knows-where
laughing
playing
with children.
I could see myself in France
studying
learning.
I saw myself in the NW of France where I’ve always wanted to go
resting.
alone.
simply enjoying being alive
in my body
with my spirit
at peace.
And I felt myself travel to Germany.
I felt my arms wrap around someone
I’ve yet to meet
who I will love with all my heart.
And I pondered the infinite possibilities.
And then, it was time to rest
and
write.
I came here to
be
to live
to learn
to laugh
to play
to have FUN !
to grow
to expand
and
to
rest
all
of
this
while
I love . . .
and so it is
and so it has always been.
: )