written 8/24/2010
I came here
to be
to live
to learn
to grow
to expand
to have fun
to laugh
to laugh
to play
to rest
to love.
Aloha Friend,
I decided it was time to meditate. T returned from a bike ride (which I chose to pass on because I had things I wanted to do here) and his spirit was obviously lifted. I met him on the road with Rocket Girl. She and I had gone for a short walk . . . to have some space after completing what I’d wanted to do.
It was time to rest. T said: I’m going to meditate now. Yes, I thought, now is a good time.
And you know what, as I sat down outside on our Fido bench, almost immediately the fogginess came. It was good. I was calm.
And then those darn mosquitoes got me! (even with my socks on, they went for my arms) lol
So I came inside to the fading light in my room.
And again became calm . . . this time with my eyes closed. My eyes were tired.
And as I pondered things, gave thanks for things . . . thought about the house-of-cards which was my belief system, which had been built on the foundation of my parents’ home . . . . which fell yesterday . . . I could really SEE them falling . . . it felt a bit like an Alice in Wonderland moment . . . and there you were on Skype watching it. And I thought about money, income and how the video business was simply one channel . . . and how I’d always known that . . . I remembered the man with no teeth who gave us food when we were hungry . . . I saw him . . . I felt him . . . I blessed him.
And when I began to think about what I came here to do . . . there was nothing . . . so I rested.
And then the words came pouring.
I came here to be, to live, to learn . . . wait, whoa, I thought. Let me go through you one at a time.
to be . . . yes, simply to be . . . to be still . . . silent and calm
to live . . . yes, to enjoy my body, to run, to bike, to swim, to play soccer . . . to enjoy my body and LIVE!
and then it came
to learn . . . to read, to absorb . . . . to read and read and read
to grow . . . and with that came expansion.
Yes, I came here to expand . . . to expand my consciousness, to expand my awareness, to grow.
And along with this came the thought that I came
to push myself.
to push myself.
To push myself to try new things.
To try scary things and in doing so,
to learn, to grow and to expand.
And then I realized, I also came to rest.
Back to the start really.
to be
to rest
to be
Oh, but before that I knew I also came here to play, to have fun, to laugh.
“You can’t always have fun Susan.”
The words of my mother told to me in my parents’ house.
The place where I built my house-of-cards based on their teachings.
“Life can’t always be fun Susan.”
But why not Mom?
“Because. You have to work hard. You have to earn money. It’s hard work earning money.”
And I realized that yes, I learned from my father to defer to men.
“Now if you ever race a boy, let him win.”
But why Daddy?
“Because . . . because they need to think they’re stronger.”
and I must have added
smarter,
the decision maker,
the “man” of the house.
And I felt that falling away too.
No Daddy, you were wrong.
I don’t want a man who wants me to be weaker.
I want a man who’s my equal.
My partner, but not my boss.
(and now I realize why my hackles would sometimes raise when T told me what to do, it felt like my father telling me what to do . . . )
So, with the play and the laughter, I then felt tired.
So yes, I also came here to rest.
And to be.
I sat with all that for a while and then
I went back over the list:
to be
to live
to learn
to grow
to expand
to have fun
to have fun
to laugh
to play
to rest.
Is there any one or any ones that rise to the top?
That seem to have more importance?
No . . . I didn’t feel it.
So I went back down the list again.
They all felt equally important at different times.
Is there anything else?
So I sat . . . and then this came:
to
love.
I also came here to love.
I thought of my husband.
I love him.
I thought of my parents.
I love them.
I thought of a stranger I gave food to once in Waikiki.
I love him.
I thought of a man in Seattle who asked for money as my sister said No, No, NO!
I gave him money.
I felt the love for that man that I felt then.
And I thought of Fido
and of Rocket Girl.
I love them.
And my friends.
I love YOU!
And then I rested.
And then I prayed for guidance.
I imagined how my commitments will be gone by the end of this year.
My work commitments.
The boat.
As next week I paint the bottom of Mapuana,
I can know that she will be safe for a few more years.
Cared for, for a few more years.
And the house.
The things I plan to have done to the house
before I leave.
Things to show her that I love her.
Things to simply take care of her.
Things to honor her.
She was a gift.
She is a gift
to T and me
and Fido
and
Rocket
Girl.
And then I prayed for guidance.
Spirit Guides please guide me.
Help me more clearly hear the voice of YOU,
my Divine Soul.
And I thought of the people in my life who live in Light,
and I thought of the people I don’t yet know who received my text message back in April.
and I thought of how I’m going to meet them and others as one thing leads to another,
one heart leads to another.
Doors will be opened.
Introductions will be made.
And I will find my way around this planet
on the voyage
which will open up
to me.
I could see myself in who-knows-where
laughing
playing
with children.
I could see myself in France
studying
learning.
I saw myself in the NW of France where I’ve always wanted to go
resting.
alone.
simply enjoying being alive
in my body
with my spirit
at peace.
And I felt myself travel to Germany.
I felt my arms wrap around someone
I’ve yet to meet
who I will love with all my heart.
And I pondered the infinite possibilities.
And then, it was time to rest
and
write.
I came here to
be
to live
to learn
to laugh
to play
to have FUN !
to grow
to expand
and
to
rest
all
of
this
while
of
this
while
I love . . .
and so it is
and so it has always been.
: )
